Anyway, most of what I’ve seen out there is “plotless smut” which is like the cotton candy of fiction, kwim?? Sometimes a girl needs some PLOT. Some “meat” so to speak. *giggles* Which brings me to my book recc…

(And I apologize in advance for not telling you guys about this sooner…)

Fifty Shades of Grey. O.M.G. So so so good. FSoG is the first in a trilogy by new author E L James.  She calls it “a love story with a kink“…as in kinky. *blushes*  Here’s the blurb from Amazon:

When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind – until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time. Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

Honestly, that summary doesn’t do it justice.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll attack your significant other. Seriously.

Just read it. I’d advise getting the paperback AND the ebook b/c you’ll want to be able to read it at any time. Well, just not when the kids are around. *fans self* The smuttiness is EPIC. But, the love story may actually eclipse that. Just read it.  You will thank me.

It’s getting a ton of buzz right now.  The author E L James just did some press/interviews and events in NYC and the reaction has been overwhelming. How do I know?  Well, I know her!!  *brags shamelessly* She’s from London but I met her through my online book club and in person a few times over the last couple years. She’s lovely, kind, gracious, and wiTTy.  (note, the Ts are emphasized b/c of how she’d say that with her BriT Tish accent)

Read the story. Do yourself a favor and buy all 3 of them together b/c you’ll HAVE to know how it all works out for Ana and Christian.

You’re Welcome.

K

Your Top 10 Clutter Questions Answered!

Hair? Have not had a haircut since Sept. Color? Since I’m so very frugal, I did a “root touch up” at home few weeks ago. Hair is now grey roots, orangey stripe then salon highlights. Sexay.  My color guy also dyes my eyebrows for me (darker) and so they are now all pale, making me look even older and more washed out.

Skin? Realizing I haven’t had a facial in about a year. What.The.Heck?  How did that happen?? And I am all out of my botulism. Real wrinkles and sagging showing up. Caught a glimpse of myself the other day and wondered who that tired grumpy old lady was. And it was me. *sighs*

Got new makeup at Xmas (yeah Ashlee!) and I haven’t even tried it all out!  What? Who am I?

Nails? Had 2 failed Shellacs in the month of December (chipped right away!  WTF?!) and decided to take a break. Had the shellac removed and have been bare-nailed since. Naturally, all nails have broken way down low on the sides, kwim? So they catch on everything and tear. OUCH. Paper thin. Cuticles.

Toes? Haven’t had a pedi in 6 weeks. That’s a long time for me!  Decided that it’s winter and who is really looking at my toes anyway?? Callouses. Dry, cracked old lady heels. Cuticles. Ugh. I do cut my toenails though b/c long toenails creep me out. So there’s that at least. *sighs*

South of the Border? My oh my. Maybe I should post this all separately? lol Again, because I’m frugal (ahem) and it’s winter, I haven’t had a salon wax since September. Now, before you go thinking I’m sporting an Alaskan, I’ve done some home grooming. With the results you might expect! *snorts*

Have done home waxing. It’s not as horrible as you might think Really. There are two problems though. 1) the excess wax drips on the floor and is a PITA to get off and b) the excess wax is difficult to get off the skin and sticks to my undies! And then it’s like re-waxing when I take them off! (which might not be a bad thing? haha) Anyway, the home waxing also leaves me with a ton of ingrown hairs which are the bane of my existence. It’s like the opposite of a minefield down there. Pretty!!

Have also used something called Magic Cream Hair Remover. It was highly recommended by some of my Twitter friends. They call it MPC (Magic P*ssy Cream! sorry!!) and it’s formulated for black men to use on their heads/beards and is supposed to prevent ingrown hairs. It’s basically Nair but for coarser hair. Aka pubes. It goes on just like Nair and you scrape it off with a washcloth. It got all the hairs off AND didn’t smell like Nair (WIN)…the problem? Minor chemical burn on the hoohah. I left it on for the minimum time and still got burned!! Hurt to even wear underwear that first night!! Let alone have marital relations. lol

*sighs*

I’m sure there’s more to tell on all these topics but 10 is being needy. Another post. Another day.

Anyway, my bday is coming up and I have to get myself back to MYSELF, kwim.?? I am Kelly Superficial, dammit. All this lack of grooming is making me into a Kelly Real and That. Cannot. Happen.

At the Completely Bare salon in NYC, they offer decorative merkins…you get your hoohah completely waxed off and then wear one of these creatures over it. Makes sense, right?! *cackles*

Has everyone seen this craziness???  These are called furkins…merkins made of fur…or feathers.  One of the Real Housewives of New York is selling them so you know they have to be good. *snorts*

I cannot imagine the expression on the Frug’s face if he pulled back the sheets one night and found me sporting one of those!  *giggles*  And, they cost about $200!  Not Frugal At All.

Surprise Surprise! Demi is off to rehab. I honestly feel sorry for her though. All that awful cheating and he’s off banging younger women openly now. He is such a douche. UGH.

Demi Moore Fell Off The Damn Wagon Hard.

Welp, we’ve found out why Johnny Depp left her. THOSE TEETH!!  Holy mother of dental nightmares! C’mon, they are greenish gray and incredibly unattractive.

And, is it me or does she have a little meth face going on?

Meow.

Vanessa Paradis Is Sick Of Answering All Your Questions!.

File this one under “Things that may be true but I do NOT want to be true”…

Heidi and Seal? Ovah?! Say it isn’t so!!!!!!

Halloween Is Canceled FOREVER.

Anyway.

Been watching all the celebrities hook-up, break-up and procreate. That’s all they do! Whores! lol But, there’s so much that’s a facade, so much that’s just for publicity. What is the TRUTH?!?! Some things are just TRUE and you know it. When you’ve heard the rumors forever, you just KNOW they are true. Like that John Mayer likes to pee on women. Look at him:

Yeah, I'm a dirty boy. I WILL pee on you.

You just know it’s true. (there are also rumors that there’s feces involved too. EEK!  That part I do NOT want to know about.) I don’t like the thoughts of Jennifer Aniston getting peed on but somehow Jessica Simpson getting peed on was okay. *cackles*

Then there’s the gossip that you know is TRUE because there’s no denial at all. Like the Jets coach and his foot fetish. I happen to LOVE this bit of gossip. The greatest part of this mini-scandal is that they’re in it together. She stars in his kinky foot fetish videos and he films them!  WIN! *dying laughing* I cannot look at the man without thinking “Foot Freak!” *giggles*  But, seriously, love it. He likes feet, she likes to show her feet. It’s a winner of a situation really.

Oh yeah baby! Show me your feet!

There are also those rumors that are just mean and I don’t care if they’re true or not. Like the “Is Khloe a Kardashian or not?” rumor”.  Honestly, I do NOT care about her or her mom possibly being a cheating whore. It’s really mean-spirited too. I like my gossip to be funny and dirty, not mean, kwim?!

There are also rumors that you don’t want to be true. Like Johnny Depp splitting up with his lover (ick, hate that word!) of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis. After 14 years and 2 kids?  Say it ain’t so!!

Now, the last one for today is gossip that just seems true. I don’t know it’s true but it sure could be. The latest rumor is that Bruce Jenner is a cross-dresser. LOVE IT!  I can totally see this one. Look at him:

Yes, I'm wearing red silk panties. Whatever.

LOOK AT HIM. He’s wearing diamond ear studs, has overly waxed eyebrows, and pale pink lipstick. He actually looks like an unattractive woman dressed as a man in that pic! I can totally believe he likes to wear women’s clothing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Not hurting anyone, right?? Hmm. I wonder if he borrows Khloe’s clothes? Meow.

Happy Friday!

Anyway, went in like a Brave Person. All the bravado goes away when you’re forced to strip and don the Gown of Humiliation. “Ties in Front“…aka let’s play a little game of Hello Boobie!  Or Pop Goes the Boobie!  FML. Another awful part of the process is the “no deodorant” rule. If anyone needs deodorant it’s the poor ladies sitting around waiting for their boobs to be smashed between 2 plates of plexiglass.  Am I right?!!

Get called back by a lovely older nurse. Very sweet. I put on the lead apron, boy does that make you feel confident about the jolt o’radiation you’re about to get, and shimmy off the top of the gown. The next part killed me. I am still giggling. She walked over to me with a sheet of something…she peeled off a sticker of some sort and stuck it on my NIPPLE. Just the tip of the nipple. I’m like “oookkkaaaayy, this is new” and she said “Oh, I do this for all my patients.”  She put little pasties on my nipples!!  Has ANYONE heard of this before??!

I’ve gotta say, it changed the mood in the room. I had been very tense prior to the application of the pasties. After? A giggling mess. Actually, I was holding in the giggles, so it was more of a pre-hysteria thing.  I mean, LOOK AT THIS THING! (mine actually had what appeared to be a teeny pearl in the center!)

Did some research. Apparently, they weren’t just decorative!  They are called V Spots (they also have N Spots)…basically they are nipple markers!  It helps the radiologist identify where the nipple is on the mammogram!

I wore mine all day. Sort of like an “I Voted” sticker but more secretive and way prettier.

Early on, we could see he was a dishonest hound. Big brown eyes that never showed any remorse or even knowledge of wrongdoing.

“Who chewed the leg off the dining room table?” ”Not me.”

“Who shat UNDER this bed?” ”Not me!” (puppy house training was fun fun fun)

He’s gotten more sophisticated as he’s gotten older. Major poker face, kwim?

“Who stole an entire loaf of bread off this table?” “Bread? What bread? I’m just lying on my bed over here.”

When I’m walking him, he always wants to go up to (aka sniff inappropriately and DOMINATE) other dogs. I sometimes allow it, sometimes I don’t. (I’m in charge, dammit!)  If we don’t have time to socialize, I have to tell him sternly “LEAVE IT” and he is supposed to actually leave it. *snorts*  He will seem to acquiesce and then he starts sniffing as if to search for a pee spot…but what he is actually doing is turning himself around to continue stalking the other dog! Crafty bastard! I’m onto him tho. “I’m onto your tricks, Otis!!” I say to him and I know other people hear me and think I’m batshit crazy. lol

Another bit of trickery is lying about getting a walk. The Frug will ask “Did Otis get a walk today?” and as I glare at him and get ready to compose a snarky retort that “Yes, of course I walked the Black Beast”…Otis will interrupt me by throwing himself to the floor in a heap, let out the saddest and loudest SIGH, and give the Frug a “Bitch never walks me” face. LIAR!!

My favorite though is the conniving feed me feed me lie. I generally feed Otis right when I get up with the kids on school days. (so he can do the dog routine that makes me insane with jealousy — get up, eat a big meal, have a nice poop, and go back to bed for a few hours)  I’ll get a call from the Frug “Did Otis eat?” (and I can hear the SIGH in the background) and I say “YES!” and the Frug will say “But, he’s sitting by the food bin with the saddest hungriest expression on his face!”  I have to reply “BECAUSE HE IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!”  

We haven’t double fed him that many times.  However, he has gotten numerous undeserved treats “But MOM!  He looked so hungry!” Yes, starving obviously. *rolls eyes*  Which is why he’s got 111 lbs on a body that’s suppsoed to only be about 100!

Any other doggy lying liars who lie?!?