The Joys of Dermatology

So, it’s come to my attention that some people thought last week’s post about my Brazilian/ass lips waxing experience was “scary” and “over the top” and “borderline porn.” *narrows eyes*  To which I respond with a “pfft” and a “You want porn? I’ll give you porn!

Okay, fine. I’ll spare you the porn, for now. How about some super fun reality instead?

Went to the dermo a week or 2 ago. I go yearly for my full body check and verbal spanking about my tanorexia in the 80s. What is the statute of limitations on this stuff? I did it for a long time but don’t anymore! It’s been a couple of years at least!  And, I am very good with the SPF 50+ and zinc oxide on my nose and everything now! Well, it seems that there is no statute of limitations and I can be punished for my tanning sins forever. *sighs*

The doc did my full body check (yes, he looked in between my toes and in my undies and everything! eek!) and found a couple of spots to zero in on. He blasted 3 spots on my face and 1 on my leg (which he said were actinic  kerotoses)  with liquid nitrogen. Have you had that done? Oh, it’s pure joy in a spray can.

These end up sort of blistery and scabby and then fall off.

Then there were 2 spots (one on arm and one on my spotty, wrinkled chest) that he wanted to biopsy. Terrific.  He called in his young, cute, perky assistant to help him with the procedure. I have had a skin biopsy before and know the drill…regardless, I start with the nervous chatter and giggling. (I always thank God that I didn’t get my father’s nervous habit of burping and farting repeatedly)

So, I said to Ms. Perky “Well, I guess I was due for something…it’s been over 2 years since I had anything taken off” and she said “Really?? That’s surprising/ It looks like you’ve had a lot of ‘fun in the sun’” Judgey McBitch!!  I sat there and glared at her and wished all of this upon her someday!

The doc did his thing…I would detail it but some people are sensitive apparently 😉 I left with care instructions for my 6 freaking wounds and to call in 2 weeks for my biopsy results.

They called me 2 days later. TWO DAYS! Holy Freak Out. Naturally, no info was given in the voicemail other than “we have your biospy results” accompanied by ominous music. 24 hours later (and umpteen calls), I finally speak with a human being. Apparently, the 2 spots were NOT cancer. (Why couldn’t they effing say that in the message?????) The spots had pre-cancerous/atypical cells. Sooo, they want to do some more digging and make sure they have removed all of these weird cells.

*whew*

But, JFC. They could have handled that much, much better, doncha think??  If it isn’t cancer, SAY SO RIGHT AWAY. I checked the little box on their forms saying it was “okay to leave message”…give me some info…AND, when I call back, let me speak to a human, right away. Those 24 hours were a little tense, kwim?! Jeez Louise!

Anyway, Happy Friday!!! 😉

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