To Live and Die in LA

*waves* Hello from sunny and fabulous Southern California! Woot!

Before I start, let’s have a moment of silence for my liver. It’s been a trooper. Tried its hardest. Fought the good fight. But, last night’s proseccopalooza at Paul and Rachel’s was the final nail in the coffin. RIP Kelly’s Liver.

Anyway, our CA adventure has been cccrrraaazzzzyyyyy! Studio tours, Disneyland, beaches, dinners with family and friends. It’s been a struggle for me to be consistently “nice” for this long, Predicting an epic Bitch Backlash when we get home.

Now that we’re hanging out here with friends, I have a few moments to chill out and blog. So, when you think of California, you think Hollywood, beaches, sunshine, right? What you normal people don’t think about is how many different ways to die there are here! Yes, I’m morbid. And correct.

The most obvious way is on the freaking freeways. The oh-so-helpfully named the 5, the 405, the 105, the 605. We tourists appreciate how much differentiation there is in the names. *rolls eyes* And they all have to be called “the” (in VA, we drive on 66, not “the 66”, kwim?) Anyway, 6+ lanes o’terror in each direction. Yahoo! I have to say, CA drivers are way more polite and sane than DC/MD/VA drivers. I actually had a taxi STOP for me as I crossed an intersection. And he didn’t even flip me off! Have a 2 hour journey ahead of us tomorrow to get back up to LA. Pray for me!

So, back to ways to die. Did you know they have MOUNTAIN LIONS here? Like, not just on TV. Not just in zoos. We stopped at a “scenic overlook” in LA and there was a sign that said “Danger: Mountain Lions”. What. The. Fuck? I, being sane, raced back to the car and locked the door.

Rachel has a super-cool landscaped backyard that’s sort of carved into the side of a hill. I was joking that her dogs must be part mountain goat!! Anyway, the Frug and Sarcasmo and I were up in Mount Rachel exploring…she tells us that she’s seen rattle snakes there…oookkkkaaaayyyyy, Sane Girl Kelly heads back down the hill…the Frug yells “Cow!! Come check out this Wolf Spider!” Wolf spider!? The hell!?!? Sane Kelly picks up the pace…as I scamper down the hill, I hear a POP and feel a cold blast slam into my back…*shrieks* A bullet?? Some sort of airborne creature of death? No, just their sprinklers kicking on. Jesus. Another way to die? Heart attack.

Thanks goodness for the ice cold bottle(s) of prosecco to soothe my shattered nerves.

**Side note: Paul and Rachel have some sort of youth elixir that they are obviously hoarding somewhere in the house. I am searching the place while they sleep. Stupid young, glowy, happy people. *growls*

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This entry was posted on August 2, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments

4 thoughts on “To Live and Die in LA

  1. “…Predicting an epic Bitch Backlash when we get home.”

    I seriously can’t wait to hear about THAT epicness. Kelly, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I would’ve scurried back to the car or down the hill too, because being food or poisoned to death are not appealing ways to painfully perish, thank you very much….I loved this post and nodded in agreement throughout. I wish you safe travels back to LA on one of the 5’s tomorrow, and may you live and LIVE in LA, K?!

  2. I hope we contributed to the liver damage. Twas great fun. Great post – and yes… bloody scary place… the ocean sucks you in… and not in a good way!

  3. Hey girl im in LA too!! We had a major scare on the road, was cut off on the 5 and it was not pretty. Than an idiot hit our car trying to cut us off in a parking lot. Have to love the traffic and drivers here

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