Tag Archive | dewey beach

To Do List for Fall

Okay, the temperature out there in the last week or so has made me think FALL might actually be here. Seriously though, how does the weather *know* that Labor Day is over? ¬†Seems like BAM, temps drop, the sun sets earlier…even the quality of the sunlight is different…then again, it could be that I FINALLY have some Kelly Time and can actually see straight now that the angels are in school?! ūüėČ

So, the Sea Hag fiasco

googled "Sea Hag" and found this! LOL

googled "Sea Hag" and found this! LOL

during my Dewey vacation and its ugly aftermath has helped me set some Fall Goals:

  1. Take care of my SKIN! Get rid of those dark patches and fine lines and make myself NOT look 43 (or older!)
  2. Treadmill needs to become my bestie.  Frenemy?
  3. Do some Body Pump classes at the gym. ¬†I *know* they work and give me results….why don’t I ‘just do it’????
  4. LOWLIGHTS. Deep conditioning treatments! De-Straw the ‘do!
  5. Find some sort of STYLE that suits my age and body type and personality.  This one is going to be very tough!
  6. Find a bra that actually fits and lifts the girls UP to their pre-baby position!
  7. Organize my closet!
  8. Eat healthier!  (with summer over, I guess those funnel cakes will stop taunting me, right?)

    mmmmmm funnel cake drool slobber

    mmmmmm funnel cake drool slobber

In general, I guess this list could be summed up by “Stop looking like a Fat Old Whore!” ¬†I have taken some baby steps already…have started hitting the gym immediately post-carpool…I have zero energy in the a.m. but if I put the workout off til later…it just doesn’t happen! ¬†Polly Procrastinator and her sister Lazy Lucy want me to sit in my office and surf the internet for Rob Pattinson pix

mmmmmmm Robert Pattinson

mmmmmmm Robert Pattinson

and Twilight/New Moon info instead! ūüėČ ¬†See also: spending time on customizedgirl.com designing my Mrs. Cullen thong…it takes TIME! ¬†Which font? Which color panty and which color screenprint? ¬†So much to do, so little time! ¬†Oh, btw, found this guy’s blog…it’s Kristen Stewart Wants It…it cracked me up…he writes haikus and talks about how much KStew wants it…funny stuff ūüėČ

Where was I? Oh, making progress on de-hagifying myself…have an appt for a facial…have started taking off my make-up at night (seriously, this is probably the first time in my life that I have done this)…and then I am applying¬†Latisse on my lashes and a ‘firming’ night cream on the dehydrated face…what else? ¬†Have an appt to get my color done…buh bye brassy! ¬†Hello, silky lowlighted locks? HA! ¬†It seems like no matter what I ask for, it’s just BLONDE. ¬†Grrr ¬†I like Bar Rafeali’s color (she used to date Leonardo DiCaprio…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue…

See, brown hair w/blonde highlights-why is that so hard to get?

See, brown hair w/blonde highlights-why is that so hard to get?

She is replacing gorgeous Gisele in the True Religion ads b/c Gisele is preggo w/potentially the world’s most perfect baby – seriously Gisele and Tom Brady?? ¬†Hope all those perfect gorgeous genes don’t combust and make a fug baby! ūüėČ

Oh, one more thing…I bought a pair of skinny jeans! ¬†Can you believe it?? ¬†I know! ¬†One of my first blogs was about how I HATE them and how you need to ask yourself ‘am I skinny?’ before thinking about wearing them! ¬†I guess it’s like anything else…first you mock it…then it worms it’s way into your brain…and then you have to have it! ¬†LOL ¬†Haven’t worn them yet. Still thinking about the shoes. ¬†Ash says ballet flats but I cannot CANNOT wear those!!

see? even this model looks a little dumpy w/flats...

see? even this model looks a little hippy w/flats...

Stumpy legs in skinny jeans and flats?? ¬†If you see me in ballet flats, just shoot me, please. Found this at Women’s Fashion Suite:

Skinny Jeans with Flats

There is another way to wear designer skinny jeans, but it’s difficult to pull off, as it exaggerates the hips and butt, and can make even slender women look heavy. This infamous style is, of course, the skinny jean worn with flat shoes. A word of warning: skinny jeans should never be worn with sneakers.

Soooo, gotta sign off now…the Black Beast needs to roam our neighborhood in search of the best spots for his pee…

MILF/MELF? Cougar/Cougwhore? Old Whore? Sea Hag?

Sigh. Trying to define these terms…and decide the differences between them when there are such similarities between them all. Btw, I like MELF rather than MILF. I would much rather be one whom EVERYONE would like to f*ck than just be limited to the *I*! LOL

Btw, Urban Dictionary also has MELF as this:

slang acronym similar in usage to milf which means “Midget or Elf I’d Like to Fuck”

“Check out that midget.”
“Yeah, that’s one hot MELF.”

Hilarious and BAD! LOL ¬†Makes me think of Chelsea Handler. And I do love her. Read her book ‘Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and laughed til the white zin came out of my nose. There’s a chapter about when she meets a Little Person who looks just like her. Almost as funny as her being body-cavity-searched in a LA jail…

Anyway.

So, I think that a Cougar can transition into a MELF after recovering her hotness apres the gory ravages of pregnancy and childbirth. A friend also said that cougars, by her definition, are preying on men at least 10 years younger than they are. I can see that.  However, I also see the Cougwhore being a major manhunter.  Older or younger, she is looking for some ack-shun. Saw some cougwhores at the Starboard in Dewey, prime hunting grounds. (btw, the Sea Hags appear to prefer the Rusty Rudder for their antics) They looked good. Well preserved but perhaps a bit too preserved and too well-dressed for the venue. One of them was wearing this awesome halter top from South Moon Under:

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

But, it was just a bit much for the Starboard. Would have been better out in a fun club in NYC or even DC. The other comment about the ladies was the botox. Just a bit too much. They had a those eyebrows that are just a little bit too far apart. Adds to their feline predator aura. If I were a guy I would be scared! Nothing wrong with botox at all. I hear (ahem) that it can look very good and natural if it’s done judiciously.

The Frug and I were blatantly checking them out. I was very pleased to get a side eye from one of them as she checked out my SHOES! ¬†The ones I am in love with and wearing even though it’s not fall yet. Check ’em out!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

The Frug LOVES them too. And, since I used my 20% birthday coupon from South Moon Under, they were a steal, right?! LOL ¬†Wore them with a simple tee and possibly too short skirt…I will def. wear these all fall and winter with jeans. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

So, where was I? I think I am ready to continue to my own category, the Sea Hag. which, in my eyes, is just an Old Whore by the Sea! I have moved on from Old Whore-ishness to Sea Hag by virtue of my extra blonde hair and sun damaged skin. We did notice that the Sea Hags are usually drunk and having fun. So, they look like shit but are enjoying life…not bad, right?! Kill.me.now. ¬†The Sea Hags at the Rudder were wasted at 4pm and dancing to the steel drum band’s musicial stylings. Hmmm, and so was I! LOL ¬†Just realizing that my new Fall goal is to return to being an Old Whore! ¬†MELF-dom may be out of reach. That’s sad, no? ¬†We shall see. I am determined to conquer this hair color problem and the sun damage (will be using TriLuma and getting either microderm or peels – which?) and hitting the gym more often…pray for me! LOL

From MELF to Sea Hag in 7 Short Days

I have to say WTF to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….

In every pic w/Ashley, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.

Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but F him, kwim! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!

More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…

Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!

2 New Terms Published in the Urban Dictionary

Joining “Cougwhore” and “Old Whore” are:

Festival of Whores

Place where there are lots of available women.

“Dude, how was the action in Dewey?” “Awesome, it was like a Festival of Whores.”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=festival+of+whores

and

Mysterious Male Friend

New friend of your maybe-gaybe buddy.

“Did Joe bring a date?” “Nah, he was with one of his Mysterious Male Friends.”

“Dude, ran into your buddy Steve. Wearing¬†guyliner. With a Mysterious Male Friend.”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mysterious+male+friend