Tag Archive | dlisted

Filed Under “Why, God, WHY???!

 

*kicks things*

WHY?!  I hate her! *whines*

Okay, hate is strong word. The girl just makes me stabby. Her smugness. Her holier-than-thouness. GAH!  Her I-was-Brad-Pitt’s-angelness.

Cue Psycho music.

AND SHE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL.

*sticks out tongue*

Read Dlisted, of course. The title of Michael K’s article is perfect, as ever —>>> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.

How Do You Say “Whorrific Blasphemy”

 

O.M. F. G.

W.T.F.?????

I just have to copy/paste all of the snarky fun…and, side note, why am I not married to Michael K?

“These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could’ve rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim’s 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.

And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.”

OMG

The whoriest whores of the Illuminati 

These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour 

Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.

… in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up)

*howling*

I. Love. Him. 

Kelly + Michael K FOREVAH.

How Do You Say \.

Slurping On Your Soooouuuuuuuuuul

 

Sweet Baby Jesus…it’s MADONNA. Or, as my boo Michael K said:

“…posted this terrifying picture of her looking like Mr. Burns as an albino Bettie Page.”

And:

“THOSE DEMON EYES! If you’re a dude, then your nutsack probably ripped itself off of your body and slammed itself against the screen, because her eyes could cut off a pair of iron testicles.”

I LOVE MICHAEL K.

That is all.

Slurping On Your Soooouuuuuuuuuul.

Okay, Jess…Better…

FINALLY seeing some progress from Ms Simpson.  Here she is at LAX, flying off to be interviewed by Katie Couric (New show for Katie!! And I hear the elusive E L James is going to be on soon too!)…anyway, looking much improved…big smile on her face…huge mane of gorgeous-yet-always-pageant hair…her thighs are looking much slimmer…which made me wonder if Spanx is making leggings these days…they totally should, right?!

Anyway, here’s a gem from my Michael K:

…Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she’ll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie’s show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she’ll be sucked in so tight that she won’t be able to move her mouth so she’ll have to communicate by blinking.”

I love him so.

What A Big Ass Bag.

Jessica Simpson is a Dumbass B*tch

Sorry to be blunt but c’mon!!  She says she didn’t realize that all the weight didn’t come off when you had the baby. WHAT?!  Just how stupid is she???????   You start off at 130, end up at what looked to be 200, and your baby weighed 10 lbs. Hmm, I’m not a math person but there’s a good 60 lbs unaccounted for there. Probably more b/c she is a liar too! lol

Enjoy the pic of Jessica’s epic EPIC rack. You could just pop those bad boys with a pin and milk would explode outta them!  Impressive.

Here’s a snippet of Michael K’s golden words about Jess just being a regular girl trying to lose the baby weight:

“I’m just your everyday woman…” Heffa, shut your mouth on a loaf of Weight Watchers banana bread, because you ain’t an everyday woman. As far as I know, everyday women aren’t paid millions of dollars to lose weight and don’t have an unemployed husband who can take care of the baby while she walks in place as her private chef makes her lunch. Bitch can call herself an average woman when I see her doing crunches in her cubicle before eating a lunch of broccoli slop that she tried to steam in the break room microwave.

Chestica\’s Chichis Kept Her From Jogging.

QOTD: Justin Theroux On Jennifer Aniston

 

OMG, Michael K!!  I heart yoooooooouuuuuu!

An excerpt from his “article” on Jennifer Aniston’s man:

But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it’s a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you’d think that Jennifer would’ve shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he’ll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she’s already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.

*dying laughing*

 

QOTD: Justin Theroux On Jennifer Aniston.

That Touching Moment When Angie Inhales The Life Out Of Brad In Front Of Everybody

 

Michael K!!! My God I LOVE him!  He calls Angie a “bag of bones” and a “succubus” with “whore pit vipers crawling under her skin“!!!!  And he finished her off with “I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice.”

How does he come up with this stuff?!?!  And please don’t stop!

 

That Touching Moment When Angie Inhales The Life Out Of Brad In Front Of Everybody.