Tag Archive | poop

Public Restroom Etiquette

 

images-17

WTF are you people eating????

First of all, there are over 57,000 results when googling ‘Public Restroom Etiquette’! That should tell us something! I liked this Top Ten list… It’s a good overall list of what not to do…

 

However, since I am a graphic person, my thoughts are in the toilet. Literally. Specifically, what to do when you have had a hideous stinky dump. Do you stay in there until the smell dissipates? Do you acknowledge it? ¬†As in mumbling ‘sorry’ to the person about to go in? ¬†Or do you just pretend it didn’t happen? ¬†Head lowered, wash hands and race away? ¬†Of course, I am not in any way, shape, or form referring to my own excrement, which is tiny and delicate and smells like flowers. ¬† I am talking about the countless times I have walked into a stall and thought ‘MFWTF?’ and wanted to vomit but couldn’t b/c then I would have to put my head into the source of the smell!!

Ever heard of this stuff? Just a Drop

Just-A-Drop-Toilet-Odor-Reduce_EA2BBAF9

could the solution be this easy???

I think I may give this stuff out as stocking stuffers this year. But, what I really want is for every public restroom to supply it. Kind of like the hand sanitizer dispenser. Just install this in each stall. You know, I bet the Japanese have already figured out a way to take care of this issue. Completely enclosed stalls that seal shut…fans suck the stench…chemicals kills the germs…I bet it takes a couple of seconds and then VOILA! You can open the stall door with confidence.

 

The impetus for this post? Ugh. Well, as I said, I have the shitty(!) luck to be the one to walk into stench filled stalls all the time. However, the other day, I had an experience that started me thinking about WTH is wrong with people and were they all raised in barns?? Was in NORDSTROM, not Shoppers Food Warehouse. At SFW, I expect to encounter the aftermath of human sacrifice in their hideously maintained facilities. I would rather squat behind a bush than use their restrooms! Anyway, at Nordies I expect it to be clean, at the very least. Well, I went into a stall…and thought, ‘hmmm, is there a shitty diaper in here?’ No. But, someone completely missed the toilet. Must have been a toddler or an old lady, kwim? Like, well, I am in the stall, maybe I can just shit anywhere. @(U$()U@ It wasn’t a log or anything but it was a poorly wiped up smear of poop…a large one. Jesus, I could throw up just thinking of it. AAHH

Again, etiquette. If you take a crap on the floor of the restroom, please clean it up…and if you can’t, please please please, find an employee of the store and and blame it on someone else…just get the pros in there to clean. For the love of God…

Today’s Annoyances

First of all, the (&$(%*^@_@ Weather. ¬† 45 degrees and raining in DC mid-October? WTH? Is this a sign of the shiteous winter to come? Please tell me NO! And, that leads to #2…the a$$hats who cannot @($&)&$ drive in any kind of inclement weather. I swear I was driving in an invisible car today. People just seemed to be unable to see me. And I drive a beastly Jeep Commander! (not for long tho, the Frug hates it and my lease is up soon! Still on the Just Say NO to minivans campaign)

So, drove 5 miles to an appt for my annual skin check. (side note: 80s gals like myself who fried the bejesus out of themselves in the real sun AND enjoyed the fake-n-bake world, need to get checked for skin cancer!!) It took 25 minutes b/c of the rain, btw. grrr. ¬† Arrive and try to check in but the line to sign the stupid sheet on the clipboard (isn’t there a better way? it’s 2009 people!) was out the door. Not exaggerating! Waited 1 hour to be seen. Kept hearing people check in to see the same doc I was seeing. How many patients do docs see in 1 hour? How can they schedule people for the exact same time??? WRONG! This is just WRONG. GAH! Finally go in, strip naked and have ALL of my skin inspected. Fun. Thankfully, the one high note to my day was not having anything blasted off with liquid nitrogen or scraped off with a fun mini-scapel! Woo! It’s the little things…

Also on my list are people in waiting rooms. What is the etiquette?? I think that it should be a Zone of Silence, or close to it. Sit, read silently, whatever, just shut up. Sat there listening to this crusty old lady moan and complain today. Loudly, of course. She came busting in…smashing the door with her walker. Starts loudly saying ‘Who is he trying to impress??’ and her caregiver person was like ‘huh?’ and she said ‘oh, Mr. Big Shot doctor has a waiting room full of people trying to show us he’s important!’ Actually, I think he is just trying to a) make as much $$ as possible and b) piss me off. Got to hear about her surgery and biopsy and her son-in-law who is an a$$hole, etc.

The waiting room at Peter’s OT is just as bad. Filled to the brim with kids. I actually try not to give them my Laser Beams b/c most of them have special needs of some sort or are siblings who are dragged to the appt. and have to sit there for the 50 minute session…they will need therapy for THAT someday (have G already signed up for it! LOL and not kidding) Anyway, it’s the parents. They are trying to entertain the kids by reading to them. Now, I am a huge reader and I love books. However comma I do NOT want to listen to YOU reading Winnie the Pooh to your child at the same time someone else is reading Dr. Seuss to her child and another is acting out a scene from SpongeBob. ¬†Everyone, STFU…please?!

Oh, and if your child poops, we can all smell it. ¬†I know you can smell it. ¬†Take Poopy Pants out of the 10×10 waiting room and clean that sh*t up.

That is all.  Off to find my Snuggie and pour a glass of the delicious pink mama juice.

REPOST: Apeshit versus Batshit

Interesting title, no? ¬†Was pondering the differences between apeshit and batshit the other day…when doing mindless stuff like dogwalking, the brain tends to wander. ¬†Well, mine does. ¬†I suppose this is another example of why I probably should get a job or something. ¬†But, this blog is called Kelly’s Superficial'”, right? ¬†You don’t come here looking for intellectual dialogue!

Anywho, shit in general has always fascinated me. Size, color, the myriad shapes! And the smell, always the smell. I blame my Baby Alive doll

this doll and my easy bake oven were my all time fav toys!

this doll and my easy bake oven were my all time fav toys!

for starting this. Do you remember that doll? ¬†Feed her green peas, she pooped green! ¬†Feed her peaches, out came peach colored poop! ¬†Amazing! ūüėČ ¬†God help me. ¬†When my children came, it was a whole new world of poop! ¬†All colors of the rainbow! ¬†Massive blowouts! ¬†Woo! ¬†Now, having a dog has really given me more fodder for my poop obsession. ¬†I have the honor of picking up steaming heaps of it daily! ¬†And, since it is coming out of a 105 lb. beast who eats garbage off the streets, in addition to his 3 aquare meals a day and whatever he can steal off the kids’ plates…well, you can imagine the heavenly sh*t I have encountered over the past couple of years!

Back to ape & bat shit. And, I am thinking purely in colloquial terms here. ¬†I think of apeshit as being really angry, crazy like an ape, beating your chest, grunting, howling, apeshit! ¬†Example: ¬†“The Frug is going to go APESHIT when the AmEx bill arrives!”

Now, batshit seems to always be batshit crazy.  Why is that? Did some digging (again, time on my hands!) and it appears to have to do with actual batshit (guano Рwhat a great word!!!) making people crazy!  Found this tidbit:

Bat guano collecting in caves invites parasites. Some of the parasites can cause health problems in humans. Or least strange behavior (like a flea infestation) in some humans. I think there used to be rumor about breathing in parasites from bat and/or bird droppings and the parasites then eating in to your brain causing erratic behaviour.

Back in Sept., we went up to a friend’s farm up in PA. They had this enormous barn/stable. Super high ceilings. It has been used for small concerts/festivals, etc. b/c it is that big. ¬†I was trying to avoid the horses (see List of Things Kelly is Afraid of) so I didn’t notice the weird screeching noises. ¬†What I did notice were the little brown nuggets on the ground…made a loud crackling/crunching sound when you stepped on them (and there was so much of it, you *had* to step on it)…I asked our hostess about them…her reply? “oh, it’s just bat guano” ¬†W.T.F.?? I then realized that *IF* I looked up (which I refused to do!!), I would have seen the hundreds (literally) of BATS in the rafters. holyf*chkingshitbatsOMGvomitdie I didn’t know where to look or where to go without stepping in more freaking GUANO. You know what? I was going BATSHIT crazy!! ¬†ūüėČ

For further info and “real” definitions, see apeshit and batshit

Yet Another List of Petty Annoyances

It’s been a bitchy week here…possibly hormonal?

  1. Idiots in parking lots racing down the lanes, begging to be t-boned.
  2. DC humidity
  3. sinus headaches
  4. Walking into a bathroom stall wherein someone has apparently been disemboweled.
  5. Walking into a bathroom stall and smelling the unmistakable eau-de-old-lady: baby powder, White Shoulders, Depends, mints, and a little bit of poop.
  6. People who don’t pick up their dog’s shit and leave it to fester and become fly food.
  7. Other people’s whining snot-nosed children.
  8. The sound of someone’s flip flops flip-slap-flopping down an otherwise quiet hallway.
  9. Most companies’ telephone systems.
  10. Face deforming giant jawline pimples that are unpoppable.
  11. yip yapping chihuahuas (sorry Ash!)
  12. The sound of my 105 lb lab licking his penis for 15 straight minutes.
  13. Megan Fox’s whorish mouth
  14. Jennifer Aniston’s nipples
  15. Katherine Heigl