As you’re all aware by now, my mind, well, what’s left of it, is a wandering fool. When I am walking the dog (esp in the @($&@$)& driving snow, 4 degrees…while others are toasting warm), I get particulary nutty.
You may not realize that I am a closet Miley Cyrus ‘fan’…okay, using the term ‘fan’ quite loosely. As loose as the slutty girl herself perhaps? haha This Miley thing is new for me. You all know that I hate her slutty pole dancing antics and her sluttier BJ lips. Ugh. However, of late I have been dancing in my car, singing to Party in the USA! Eleven is horrified by it and yet Eight LOVES it! WTH is going on with me?! It is a damn catchy tune, no? So happy and upbeat!
So, I’m singing in my head while walking Otis. I am pretty sure I just sing in my head. I hope…and suddenly I’m thinking ‘this song would be a perfect one for that band from Old School and The Hangover’…you know, the one where the lead singer adds the word ‘fucking’ into the lyrics’…I think it’s called ‘The Dan Band’…
I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my fucking cardigan
welcome to the land of fucking fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the fucking first time
Look to the right and I see the fucking Hollywood sign
This is all so fucking crazy
Everybody seems so fucking famous
My tummys turnin and I'm feelin fucking home sick
Too much pressure and I'm fucking nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a fucking Jay Z song was on
and the fucking Jay Z song was on
and the fucking Jay Z song was on
So I put my fucking hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head fuck yeah
Moving my hips fuck yeah,
And I got my fucking hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah, It's a fucking party in the USA
Yeah, It's a fucking party in the USA
So, it's perfect, right? A shame my evil genius is being wasted...
Kel??? 3 letters that can make my skin crawl. And make my hair stand on end. Said by a certain someone. He knows who he is.
Kel??? “Do we have any waffles?” “Open the fucking freezer and LOOK. Please.”
Kel?? “Do we have any eggs?” Trick question…he is really saying “get your ass out of bed and make me some damn eggs”
Kel??? “What are you doing?” Possible answers: “NOTHING, as usual.” “Going blind” (teen boy response) “Awaiting your next command, Master.” Real Answer? Googling naked pix of Robert Pattinson (sans beard, of course)
But why does it really irritate me? After all, it’s my name, right? It’s the way he says it. Maybe it’s the Baltimore accent. But when he yells “KEL?” I hear “COW!”
So, “COW? Do we have any eggs?” is always going to get a nasty response, kwim?
Sigh. Perhaps the PMS is particularly bad this month. Or maybe I am just that big of a bitch. I think we know which one it is. Heavy sigh.
Okay ladies. Where are we on Ian Somerhalder?? I didn’t start watching Lost until after he had been killed off…so, I didn’t really notice his smoking hotness until Vampire Diaries. And notice him, I certainly have. Hello Blue Eyes and sexy smirk. To borrow from Rachael Ray, YUM-O!
He’s got the gorgeous eyes, the JBF tousled hair, nice lips, even some biceps…could he be hotter than, dare I even voice this?, Robert Pattinson?? I think, if you look at him objectively, yes. He is, on paper, better looking. But, in a pretty way. Like a Rob Lowe pretty. Or a Chace Crawford pretty (but much less elfin than Chace, kwim?) I like the pretty, I do. But…I have to say…Rob wins. He has the eyes, the hair, the lips (no biceps but I don’t care!) PLUS the accent (ppppuuurrrrrr) and the-rough-around-the-edges, anti-pretty thing he has going on. But, it is close AND Vampire Diaries is on every week…hhhmmmm…
**Note to Robert, shave the damn beard and we won’t even have to mention Ian/Vampire Diaries ever again…
I say ‘mini’ b/c I ended up at home at 9:30pm! But, it wasn’t mini in content tho! Met the Tinas at Coastal Flats out in beautiful Fairfax, VA. It took 59 minutes to get there (16 miles from here) and only 23 minutes to get home! Love rush hour traffic. Good thing there were pomegranate margs waiting for me to ease my road rage.
Fun girl talk. I updated them on the Frug’s activities that make me crazy and warrant threats of death and dismemberment. We also chatted about the kiddies. Oh, programming note: I have decided to refer to my boys by their ages…Garrett is now to be called ‘Eleven’ and Peter will be known as ‘Eight’…easier this way…names will change in Aug. and Sept.respectively)
Anyway, much food (the delicious petite filet and crab cake! No sauce, of course. Blech.) and some margs…the only blight on the evening was that someone, I won’t name names, kept using the word SNATCH quite loudly. The man at the table next to ours was both offended and perhaps titillated 😉
We made plans for a Girls WEEKEND (woot!) at TMc/R’s weekend manse…we’re going Old School…masks, facials, hair brushing, chick flicks and wine. How fantastic does that sound???? Can’t wait! (and can’t wait to blog about it too! hee hee)
Safelite Auto Glass…repaired windshield (thanks PA for that rock that smashed into said windshield during Xmas trip to Hell)…off to get car inspected…1 hour…then to DMV to re-register the vehicle…10 minutes! Woot! The DMV was so empty, almost spooky. I didn’t even sit down!
Mall…brow and ‘stache wax…plus chin…’you want sideburns too?’…NO, damnit! On the plus side, she then fawned all over my gorgeous lashes! I purred like a smug kitty over that.
Dinner w/the Tinas tonight. Celebrating the OLDEST Tina I know. Snicker. Need this night away from the casa. The Frug and the boys will be semi-fending for themselves. Won’t have this gal to kick around, tonight at least.
Paperwork. This week. Healthcare claims followup (new insurance plan means more work…sigh) School re-reg. forms x 2 (gee, I get to pay $200 to write my freaking name/address multiple times? growl). Passport renewal forms x 2. (kids under 16 – can’t renew by mail AND are only valid for 5 years. hissssss). Boy Scout registration. Application for First Penance/First Communion (again, I get to pay $50 to fill out info that they already have somewhere. groan)…I suck at paperwork. This is why I do NOT work outside the home, damnit.
Vehicle Maintenance. Infinitely less fun than the Cougar variety. Must renew registration and get emissions etc. BUT, must have windshield repaired first. Sigh. Yes, I have known about this for a long time…and have given myself 3 days to get it done.
2nd grade book report. Groan in frustration. It’s not a big deal but *someone* is a perfectionist w/no fine motor skills.
Highrise. This is a super duper fun project management tool that the Frug uses for work and has decided to f*cking torture me with it. Daily I get emails that say ‘Highrise/Frug Frugerson has assigned a task to you’ and it will say ‘Passports: Due TODAY’. And then I’ll get a follow-up email reminding me that the task is overdue. Murderous rage.
The Dog. So over that Beast. Woke me up at 4am whining in his crate like a bitch. UGH. Yes, a 3 yr old dog still in a crate at night. Why? B/c he WILL NOT leave the cat alone. Ever. It’s her only ‘safe’ time of the day.
The 11 year old. For being the Drama Queen that he is. And the boy is a c*ckblocker too. This past Sat. nite, he was up at 11pm when we got home. Like he WANTED to prevent me from having marital fun. Cue frustrated howl.
The 8 year old. Whiny, needy, argumentative. He smacked G in the face yesterday ‘he SMILED at me!’ (meanwhile, G and I were both snickering b/c Mr Perfect got ‘in trouble’ at school for the first time!)…nasty temper on that one. I have no idea where he got that from. Must be the Frug’s side of the family…
The Frug. Just because no Sh*t List would be complete without one’s husband, right?
Robert Pattinson. I know! How can he be on this list? It’s the @$(&$%@ beard. Did you see him on the Haiti telethon? I had to close my eyes and just listen to the beautiful accent b/c my eyes were horrified by the dead animal on his chin. Damnit, Rob! You know I don’t like a full-on beard! (just ask Brad Pitt!)
So, to recap…the only creature in my home NOT on the list is the cat. Sweet bundle of fur that she is. Since I’ve done the ‘married w/kids’ thing…can I go ahead with the ‘crazy lady w/cat’ scenario???