Quick Driving Rant

So, driver’s ed. I remember it clearly. Not saying I follow all those rules/regs to a T anymore BUT i know what they are!!

I’d like to know how it’s being taught now. For example, lets discuss “proper following distance on a highway.” As I recall, PFD is “2 car lengths”…today it is “colonoscopy.”

Just drove on I66 (and it wasn’t a parking lot! Yahoo!). I was doing about 65mph. The guy behind me? Well, let’s just say he was so close to my bumper that I could see a piece of kale stuck in his teeth.

RAGE!

GET OFF MY ASS!

If I slammed on my brakes, they’d have to bury us together. With him embedded in my ass for eternity.

GROWL.

Bitch? Grumpy? Or Just Your Face?

Noticing the older I get, the grumpier my face is “at rest.”  The Frug will ask “What’s wrong, Cow?” and I’m like “NOTHING, it’s just my face” and thinking “Well, I’m pissed off NOW, thank you very much!”  This past winter I realized that my mouth at rest is major Grumpy Cat mouth. Oh so pretty.

Seems I’m not the only one! The folks at Funny or Die have seen it too!  They call it “Bitchy Resting Face”!

(Thanks to Liv Morris for this video! Can’t embed it tho. WAH!)

Bitchy Resting Face

It’s the Simple Joys in Life…

*jumpy claps*

If you know me at all, you know that I am filled with evil GLEE (it’s the best kind of glee, trust me) right now.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. First the DUI and arrest…now THIS!!!

She had to ruin it for me, just a little, by having a truly lovely pair of legs and firm ass. *sighs*

Full article over at us.com.

Welp

DAMMIT.

Have been mentally drafting a fun post for you all morning. Sat down at the computer and all thoughts emptied  out…much like my bowels after a night of Thai food and prosecco.

So…

Here’s some random b/s that still floating around my head…much like my…well, never mind.

Found and destroyed 2 horrible ingrown pubic hairs today! *fist pump* Plucked a nipple hair and a black spiky chin hair. So, WINNING.  (sorry, no pix. Next time. *cue ominous music*)

The Frug just got back from a conference (in Fargo of all places) and he is being adorable. All fired up and motivated. Drank gallons of the cool kid kool aid. *rolls eyes* Reminds me of coming back from cheerleading camp back in the day, all excited and fired up up UP about stuff.  Then real life bitch slaps you and you’re all blah again. lol

Kids are almost out of school. Not even dreading it this year. Not having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to get Sarcasmo to school is going to be JOY. Not having to deal with 11’s school anxiety and friendship drama is also putting a spring in my step.

What else? Still searching for a humane way to remove Otis’s vocal cords.  Maybe sealing his entire mouth shut? Then I could avoid his deadly breath and drool too. Feeding tube for a dog? Hmm. *ponders*

Still surrounded by hoarder bags.

Still very old.

On that cheery note…

Happy Thursday!

It’s That Season Again!

Spring? Summer?

Nope.

Swussy.  Look it up, I’ll wait.

I’m beginning to think that Swussy Season is year round. Thanks perimenopause!

During the winter, I was wearing my favorite Champion Core Compression tights from Target. The ones that make me look like a slightly-more-feminine Olympic Speed Skater Eric Heiden.

Mine aren’t gold, dammit. *makes note to get gold winter running tights* Mine are a marbled grey. They are awesomeness. However, they hold heat IN. Non-wicking. Not friendly to the vajayjay.

Anyway, now it’s warm out so the tights have been put away in favor of shorts and skirts. My lady parts are still overheating. Not in a fun sexy way tho. *grumbles*  Can’t walk around sans culottes though. *whispers* Drippage. *shudders*

There are days that I’m so warm down there that I want to just take a pair of scissors and cut the crotch of my pants out. Or sew a mesh panel there. I’d actually like to invent pants for us old ladies that have grommets in the crotch to let our poor swussies BREATHE. I wonder if insurance would cover that? Medical necessity, kwim???

I was googling (for the love of God, Kelly, back away from The Google!) and found some “fun” products!

“Knock Out” Panties! They have a whole line of odor absorbing and moisture wicking undies and jammies and workout wear, etc.  Check it out! These are pretty cute!

 $38 for a pair of boy shorts?!?!  *shrieks* NOT FRUGAL!

Mary Lou Retton For What??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!!! WTF??? Mary Lou Retton is hawking DEPENDS!?!?!? She is two years YOUNGER than I am! What is this fuckery? She was an Olympic gymnast! Her sphincter muscles should be able to crack walnuts!

No no NO.

And btw, I’m not wearing those damn things ever. EVER!!!

I sure hope I’ll never need these:

Well, I’m BACK!

Haven’t blogged in ages. Life has been conspiring against my creativity, dammit! In the past 6 months, we’ve had 3 funerals and 2 weddings and countless misc. and irritating setbacks. BLAH. But, after this last death (Aunt Sage!  How in the HELL did that happen?!?! *sniffles*) I’ve decided I am DONE with emo. I am done with anxiety. It’s time for summer and relaxation and FUN. Oh, and sloth. Please God, let there be sweet sloth.

But, I will say, going to some funerals can get a girl thinking. One, what in the HELL would someone say to eulogize ME? Let’s see…Kelly enjoyed napping, trolling gossip sites, trash talking about celebrities, getting mani/pedis, and buying and returning crap…oh, and Twilight and Robert Pattinson…oh, and porn. Hmm. Not a dry eye in the church, right?? Snort. Two,  what kind of an old lady will I be??

I really think that “old ladies” are a dying breed. No pun intended. The old ladies of my youth were apple cheeked grannies who wore housecoats and baked pies and got their hair “washed and set” once a week. The idea of wearing a housecoat appeals to me, I must say. Like a bathrobe yet maybe cuter? lol  But the washing and setting of the blue hair?? NFW. (Why was the hair BLUE?!?!)

Then, they became more like my mother. Old ladies wore polo shirts, elastic waisted khakis, and Easy Spirit sneakers. Hair was “natural” and worn short in a “wash and wear” style. Erm, NO. Not gonna happen. The thing about that “style” (using the term loosely) is that it’s so androgynous. Old men and their wives could actually share clothes! lol  What is up with that??  The Frug and I are NOT going to be wearing his-and-her matching polos and khakis EVER!!!

So…shall I do the rich-old-lady-on-a-cruise-ship? Always in “resort wear“? Lots of loud prints and sequins and lots of thick makeup and dripping with jewels?? Hmm, gotta say, we’re getting closer! lol  (Just got a sudden image of Magda from Something About Mary)

I know I can’t pull off the older granola lady with a graying bob and Eddie Bauer clothing and Dansko clogs. *shudders*

And what is “old” anyway???  Since Aunt Sage’s death, *I* am the oldest woman on my side of the family. I’m supposed to be the freaking “matriarch.” Honestly, can you think of anyone less cut out to be a matriarch??? Jesus.  I am still sitting at the kiddie table, dammit!!!

I think I’d like to be Sharon Stone old. Or Goldie Hawn old. You know, older, attractive yet somehow inappropriate. lol  Helen Mirron old is awesome but she is a bit scary.  Meryl Streep is also amazing and yet too intimidating. I don’t know. Thoughts?!?!  Discuss.

I shall leave you with Magda as a visual treat. 

The Prancing Wonder Behind Prancercise Finally Speaks

OMG OMG OMG

The Prancing Wonder Behind Prancercise Finally Speaks.

THIS IS FANTASTIC.  (Thanks to my friend Daisy Prescott for finding this gem. Now, go buy her book Geoducks are for Lovers!)