From MELF to Sea Hag in 7 Short Days

I have to say WTF to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….

In every pic w/Ashley, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.

Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but F him, kwim! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!

More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…

Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!